Again

I did it—again. I made a friend. Everything started out wonderfully—again. The world turned; the sun bright and hopeful. Then I saw it unfolding, he was falling for another despite expectations—again. The insecurities set in—again. The voice states lies, whispering them as truths—again. And I believe them—again. But I tried something new: I talked about it. I mentioned the issues from the past and how they influenced the current. I tried. I saw something in him that concerned me, I regained insight—again. I went to another, consulting how to help, but it backfired—again. The shards reflect past failures, fears, and mistakes, causing me to see them clearly—again. My concern manifested in a disappointment for another—again. So I will push—again. And I am left curled away, regretting, fearing, losing hope, despairing—again. So I will harden myself—again—to shield others from my actions and to shield myself from my actions. I will become nothing so that others may become something—again. I will be a doormat—again—so others may find happiness. Yet I stand up for myself, fluctuating from hope to despair in days, hours, minutes—again. My thoughts wander—again—to the bridge, contemplating the possible outcomes. I indulge in the morbid—again—to ease my thoughts. Yet I am left with the thought that I asked for all of this—again. I asked for the return of the plaguing thoughts to aid in loving others—again. Forgive me for my indecision—again.

“For God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” ~2 Timothy 1:7

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