My emotions are numb. I cannot feel them. I am home again; the place that traps me inside my head where I scream out all of my anger, anxiety, and depression, yet no one hears a sound. Now I am numb to fit the numbness I exhibited throughout high school. I should feel pain from the old house being gutted. I feel nothing. I should be upset by not being able to drive my car after so much anticipation, but I’m not. I am less angry at the parents, not feeling the impending explosion that will reveal all of my sins and ultimately the disappointment I have become to them, yet remains unbeknownst. I have lost my tears again, drying my eyes and eradicating the pain I expected and feared. I suppose I should be grateful for this peace You have provided, yet I am discontent because it does not feel peaceful, it is instead an absence of feeling. Forgive me, Father. I lean on You in my lack of understanding to guide me back to You.
“He replied, ‘Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “Move from here to there,” and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.’” ~Matthew 17:20