This is not where I belong. So many voices call out to me, summoning me into their lairs and cages. And I listen. I listen with hesitancy, with interest, with conviction, with intrigue, with temptation. I act, I feign back, I run, I stumble towards, I embrace the words they speak. But then I remember, they are lies woven to sound beautiful and promising. They twist into my mind and distract me, leading me to focus on myself. I forget You. And I hate them, all the voices that whisper and shout and speak and instruct. I hate how I cannot reconcile them and how they make me feel alienated. I am separated because of You, and I cannot find peace with it yet. I despise how I am alone, yet cannot bear to leave You, the One who remains when all others leave. Because everyone leaves eventually. So I rage against the dying of the light. I rage against the darkness confining me. I seek out others who understand, yet find no one. I beg for another who I can sympathize with and understand, and in return be understood. I seek someone who shares beliefs and will not condemn me for following your Word. So help me. Help me find peace with my plans. I seek a great perhaps, in the wild.
How can I begin to understand what You have planned?
I see before me what appears to be chaos,
Yet unfolds as though thoroughly scanned
And organized intricately into a series of dominoes.
My plans come crumbling down to dust,
Fading from the hope and Pride they held,
To force me to return to that trust
In You that my arrogance shrouded.
So I am becoming humbled through Your plan
To guide me into the being You desire;
One led to follow Your actions that span
Your time here among Your people.
I’m trying to sleep but I can’t—
We all have plans and ideas that plant
Within our minds, leading to action
From our destructive hands in reaction
To our thoughts that generate anew
From others speaking uniquely to us, “adieu.”
Our disorders scream to others our faults,
Illuminating the corruption of our waltz:
The will to continue our fight
Dancing with the darkness shrouding the Light
That preserves our will to live
And saves us from all that we misgive.
The darkness closes in around our hearts,
Wielding our hands against our other parts
By scarring our thoughts and skin
With all of the sin locked within—
I’m trying, trying to sleep,
But for all our plans I am left to weep.
“For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.” ~Hebrews 13:14