I need to get out of my head. The thoughts they flood my mind, consuming sanity. Preventing good judgment and I lose control, speaking what should be left unsaid. Forgive me. I did not contain it. I am sorry. I am sorry. Words I do not speak frequently enough aloud, but repeat over and over and over within my head as I punish myself for the wrongs I have committed. My form of apologizing is retreating and silencing myself as I rebuke and torture myself for what should have been obvious before I wielded the sword that is my tongue. I never have the right words. I only ever wanted to be someone that people can come to with issues weighing on their minds, but I am not. I am too private about my own issues. I fake perfection too well that I drive them away. And I love that I can contain my issues so well, but hate how it rebuffs people. It prevents me from loving them like You call me to do. And I am at a loss. I do not want to burden anyone with my issues. I was raised to conceal my feelings because the tones my parents spoke with condemned and disregarded my thoughts and feelings as unimportant. They do not know I am on Zoloft, and I had no intention of telling them, but a part of me wants to. A part believes they deserve to know the truth, but part is bitter and wishes they don’t ever find out, especially because it is their fault. A part of me wants to heal the wounds between me and them, but part of me wants to destroy them. Part of me wants to tell them out of spite because they caused it, they condemned it; they disregarded my feelings before they became bad and then they would not have understood. But I am reluctant to tell them because I know Dad will ask if I looked at other options. I know Mom will blame herself. I know it will cause stress between the two of them. And I am always a source of tension between them. I spark it. I kindle it. And I think I may intend to. I speak without thinking and know they will argue, but I say it anyways because I am mad at them and they need to hear it. But they do not bond. They push apart, severing a relationship because of their pride and stubbornness. They are why I do not want a relationship, and why I avoid one now. I am too independent and stubborn for one. Maybe someday You will test me and push me into a relationship so I learn more humility and how to trust someone else. So I have to work on my communication. I fear that day. I am afraid of failure, and how I may hurt another so deeply again. I pray for someone close who will understand and can be a best friend, but I push people away because I do not trust myself. I cannot bear to disappoint so much again. So God, please, please not yet. I am not ready. I can hardly handle myself, let alone someone else. I am not someone I would look for, so I am unworthy of another who seeks You. I am so unworthy. Forgive me. Suddenly I am afraid of going to Fort, the one place I may find another who understands and can help. The place I can see gaining a best friend from. Please help me. I am so afraid. Afraid of disappointing my boss again. Afraid of finding someone who may be worthy and disappointing them. Afraid of people. I want to disappear within myself and in You. I want to be silent in the background, learning by watching. I want to have one-on-one conversations with so many respected mentors about You and what my life has become. I want to know how to fix it. And I am so sorry. So sorry I left you and wandered alone. I cannot stand alone, I need You as my backbone, something steady to help me stand. I am so sorry. How did it come to this? I only want You at this point. You are the One who understands and can help me. I cannot see You, but so be it. I am better off with You alone. Please give me understanding and peace. Your will be done.
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” ~Isaiah 41:10