In my meanderings through the angst drowning me in life and on Tumblr, I happened upon this quote: “Even the most effective drug expires if unused. What more with the strongest feelings if ignored?” I was merely a teenager, drunk on the idea of Love, whatever that meant. So many times I hear people utter words along the concepts of people being lucky, blessed, or fortunate when they find a steady relationship. I must bring into question calling someone fortunate for finding another who is compatible with their personality though. Fortunate? As though these people are privileged above the average person who is single. Where does fortune factor in? In having a say over someone else’s body or life? In the inevitable arguments that come with rooming with another human being with an independent brain filled with marvelous preferences both in agreement and in stark contrast to those of the other person? In claiming “mine” over someone? In relinquishing boundaries to the other person for sake of maintaining relationship? In what appears to be the endless search for happiness in a world fallen into unspeakable evil? In shattering the hopes of one who stands to the side, praying someday this individual may grow to be complimentary to himself/herself instead of the dead end relationship he/she sees is the current one?
So I wrestle with the concept of strong feelings expiring if ignored, but after four years I find they manifest themselves even when I believed I ignored them into absence. Social media reinforces the status of an event, shooting the agony through my heart and brain that I deemed nonexistent. Life never ceases to throw me and everyone I know a curve ball just when most things seem alright or even—do I dare?—good. In these refreshed tears I find a deeper need. I hunted for a friend to pour out my heart to, but reasons not to popped up for each. One will not sympathize because he/she did not like the individual causing my pain. One does not share core values that I must turn to in order to regain composure. One is a fair-weather friend. One does not need to know such details about me. Many do not know the past emotional turmoil generated by the individual.
Yet… how could I neglect the One that never leaves nor forsakes? The One who understands my every pain? The One who quietly waits for me to return to Him when I have strayed so far from what He knows to be best for me. How could I forget the only One I can depend on to never abandon me? My best friend. My lover. My confidant. My healer. My Abba Father. Thus, I turn and run to Him, unashamed because of mercy.
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.” ~ Hebrews 4:15