Drowning

The swarm of competing thoughts and feelings covers me, drowning me in concepts, irrationalities, realities, emotions that originate from myself—betrayed by my own heart and brain. I am caught in the middle of a battle—between my heartstrings and cold rationality, surging me out of sleep and into mental swirling and ragings. My heart overflows with attraction, dragging my stomach and nerves through a shredder, while my brain retaliates with thoughts to counter the attraction through rationality. Feelings flood and rationalities rush through and over.

I seek solace in Your words, but the contradiction of expectations and hopes cannot be reconciled in this moment. I am thrown into the raging rapids that seek to drown me. Your words seem inches too far above the surface to reach. Another tide pushes me deeper—I am lost to the current. I flail in the oppressing waves, gasping for Truth and Peace amidst my panic. Your words are pulled from my mind by the undertow—where does my help come from? I glimpse a source of solace I believed was swept away, and I grab hold of it with all of my strength.

My help comes from You, Maker of ALL. You made my emotions. You made me in Your image, and it is good. You restored me from my broken and fallen state. My heart will not fear because You are my God. You made me and You made this man that I cannot get off of my mind. You know us both fully. Nothing in either of us is hidden from you. I do not know what will come, but You do, and I will find solace in that. What is unknown to me is known to You. I do not need to know until You know the timing is right. I will trust You in this moment, and You raise me out of the waters.

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; but then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:12

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