I don’t know. I don’t know if my crush likes me back. I don’t know if I should attempt to pursue interaction. I don’t know if I should allow fantasies to infiltrate my mind. I don’t know if I have fallen prey to false hope again. I don’t know how to remain patient through weeks that feel like individual eternities. I don’t know what Your plan is. I don’t know if I am truly trusting in You or if I am merely offering lip service. I don’t know if You are preparing me for a relationship. I don’t know if I am merely dreaming. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know if I should do anything. I don’t know what I should say. I don’t know if I should remain silent. I don’t know what I should think. I don’t know how to stop thinking.

I know. I know he has shown some level of interest. I know I must live in reality. I know if I follow You, I will not be susceptible to false hope. I know time is both friend and enemy. I know I can trust Your plan over mine. I know I am convicted and long to trust You fully. I know that Your timing is best and will give me what I desire according to Your will. I know I genuinely desire a relationship that glorifies You. I know this is different than any past crush because I like who he is, not his potential. I know I can do all things through You who give me strength. I know I must guard my tongue for it is sharper than any two-edged sword. I know I am to renew my mind in You and it will transform me.

I struggle to find the balance between what is known and what is unknown. I fight the fear away, rejecting it as a plague in my past. The fear of the unknown weighs heavily on one side, while logic weights equally on the other; however, while logic weighs equally, it slowly drifts up as fear adds pressure to the plate and drives the equilibrium off balance. Logic proves useful, but cannot be reconciled with emotion. I look to my scale, off balance, and force my eyes up beyond the scale, beyond the room I am in, beyond the sky that seems to suffocate me, up to You. I am overcome by anger at my limitations and heave the scale, the fear, the logic out of sight. I refuse to be trapped by what I cannot control. I am free in You, and I will not become enslaved again. Let the fear come. Let the logic plague. Let my emotions roil. Let it all wash over me, not sticking but falling away as I embrace my position as Your daughter.

And if we are children, then we are heirs: heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ–if indeed we suffer with Him, so that we may also be glorified with Him.” ~ Romans 8:17


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