Small Steps

Next step and a branch catches my heart, threatening to fling it back to the crossroads and down the opposing path. My foot reaches out, pulling me forward as my heart tears itself out of my chest and with every strengthening and frantic beat propels itself away from my chosen path and down the other path. It acts impulsively, beating itself down the unobstructed path. Sorrow and Suffering have appeared to desert me, as I am alone as my heart turns from me. I gaze to where my heart is—distracted. I look back ahead, torn in two different directions—the head and the heart. No—I will not stay distracted by what I want if that is not Your will. At least not currently.

Another step and I begin to feel both numb and elated. I try to cut myself off from my heart, severing the strings it wields—not so I lock it in the casket of my own selfishness, but the opposite: so I may better serve others. I refuse to be trapped by my desires and impulses. I hold a knife to those strings—I press down hard—nothing. I turn the knife and see its blade is duller than my hardened skin. I long to rid myself of this tether to myself.

I suddenly halt—frozen by a thought. Can I better serve others if I disconnect from my heart? Or would I also sever the exact thing that enables me to serve? The thing that allows me to love? I look up around myself, evaluating if I have truly moved or if I have merely imagined traveling from the crossroads. I blink and see the splitting directions. I blink again and know the crossroads are behind me. How can I continue taking steps when my heart wanders unchecked?

I close my eyes, wrinkles creasing the skin around my mouth and the corners of my eyes. Spring whispers hope in the wind that pulls my hair back and caresses my body. I am free.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” ~ Jeremiah 17:9

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