A log trips me—a new development in this race I am running. I stumble, struggling to catch myself so I do not collapse onto the hard earth. One of my closest friends is suffering from a breakup—in part dealt by my own hand. I stumble over this, seeing the agony and remembering my own pain dealt by boys. Evan as I trip and flounder, this obstacle serves to renew my resolution to pursue this path. My own hope twinges, ushering me away from my feelings to preserve the entirety of my heart. Fear whispers my name again, a swirling, comfortable darkness that caresses, infiltrates, seduces, influences, embraces my mind and heart. He draws me down to the soil beneath my feet, smothering my conviction to keep moving. I succumb, allowing comfort of the known to force me to my knees. My eyes flicker shut, and immediately before they close to the world around me I see something deviating from the surrounding landscape—a shimmer. The drowsy compliancy flees my mind; my eyes snap open, fixing on the source of light and hope.
The shimmer is behind me, but simultaneously next to me. I gaze into it, searching for its core. I squinch my eyes and see it—it is me. It is how I have grown since a year ago. It illuminates the fear, pain, despair, and anxiety I felt. It reveals the counterfeits I chased after, longing to hear and believe, “I am enough.” It displays that in stark contrast with who You have made me into: healed, redeemed, hopeful, patient, joyful, strong, confident, enduring. By Your grace I am not who I used to be. I am enough.
I pick myself up, brushing off the dark soil that abases my hope. I stretch out my legs, reaching as far as I can, jumping logs and puddles, dodging branches that strain for me, resting in the shelter of Your wings as I let You fight for me.
“For the Lord you God is going with you! He will fight for you against your enemies, and He will give you victory!” ~ Deuteronomy 20:4